Stepping Backward to
Move Forward

This post will be a little bit more personal then my other recent blog posts, so I’m going to create a “Getting Personal” category for it, and maybe others. This will likely be my new home for long drawn out posts, instead of facebook statuses!

I hope you all have had a good week (past couple of days, it’s only Tuesday as I write this) Mine has been ROUGH! Yesterday especially, it felt like I was getting a blow after a blow. Some bad stuff, and others just life circumstances (sometimes good things cause unforeseen issues and we just have to deal!)

I’m not going to go into all the details, because as ironic as it is to write in a personal blog post, some details I like to keep private. Long story made shorter, I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday. All the stresses of life seem to hit a season finale for me, and i had a ROUGH moment.

I’ll share some of my stresses, because I know people (especially other comedians) can relate. Social media, and all the toxicness that comes from it. Upcoming shows, and the lack of ticket sales. Lack of money, and realizing it won’t be getting any better any time soon because of my life trajectory. And, to really tie the bow around everything…I just felt so alone in dealing with all this stuff.

We just created this amazing thing, Quarter Mile Entertainment, and I am so proud of my friend for the awesome things coming their way but the We turned into an I….and I looked at all the work ahead of me with everything I have going on with Comedy and for the first time since I have gone full time I had a realization:

“I CAN do all this stuff by myself…but I just don’t want to.”

And it’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just that i see all the challenges and struggles ahead and at least in that moment, I thought to myself, “It’s not worth it.”

The root of my problems right now is that I am just not making enough money to survive. I am living with family and I am so grateful for them but it’s so clear that the best thing for my emotional and mental health (and theirs too probably!) Is for me to move out as soon as possible. I love that there is no expiration date to my stay, but I am a elder millennial and we were groomed at birth that by 18, you leave the home and you never come back…and here I am, at 36…living with my family, unable to support myself with what I make by following my dreams.

The cruel realization I had last night was that with just standup comedy alone it will be a long time before I make sustainable income off only my art…and the worse reality...If I keep going down the road I’m going, I won’t make it that long.

So late last night I made the decision…I need to make moving out THE priority, and in order to do that I need to make more money, and in order to do that…I need to start shifting comedy to a side hustle (again) and find something else that can pay the bills.

And when I hit that realization, along came the depression and the familiar feeling of feeling like a failure. Once again, it seemed like I wasn’t going to meet a big goal in my life. And those of you that know me well know that i have 4 rules of comedy, and rule #4 is “There is no Plan B.” I’ve really been living by those rules for the past two years, and it was breaking my heart that I was breaking rule #4.

That’s how I felt, but objectively I knew that reality is different. The truth is, I know what my real struggle is. Back a couple years ago I recognized that I needed to stop “not” doing comedy because I was so concerned of what people would think of me if I pursued it as a career…I gave myself permission to chase the direction that i felt led in, and that was making me the most happy. Here we are two years later, and the real reason I am upset AGAIN is because I am defining myself by the fear of what others will think.

“If I get a “non comedy job” people will think I’m a failure.”… “People will think I am a quitter.”…”I’ll lose their respect and I’ll let them down.”

I realized last night that I have fallen into my same pattern of letting my life be defined by what I think other people think of me, or the fear of what they MIGHT think of me. Different time of life, same mistake on my end. So much for character development! I felt like I was looking at my life TV show and watching a rerun that everyone (myself) was tired of seeing.

But alas, I also recognized if I am going to be able to keep going in general, I have to keep in mind my mental and emotional wellbeing. There is no secret that comedy can take you to a really dark place if left unchecked. That’s why you need a life and community outside of comedy. And something I need, as I am realizing, is to be able to return to “my own space.”

I won’t truly feel like a successful human until I am living on my own again. Maybe you can relate, or maybe that’s hyper specific to me. But that’s my reality in this moment.

So I resigned to my fate and spent all night and morning (without any sleep) applying to every possible job I could find in linked in that sounded like it “didn’t suck.” Each job application felt like I was an adulterer cheating on my dream, but as the hours went on, I was more comfortable giving into my fate.

I realized at some point, I need to start telling people my great shame and getting word out that I have failed at my dream…so I called a wonderful friend to complain a bit. He’s always willing to listen to my issues, and this time he did one of the coolest things ever.

I told him all of what i just wrote about, and some extra details that didn’t make it into the blog, and then instead of having a short phone call therapy session, or even just a couple of nice encouraging words he said,

“Let’s go to lunch, this seems like a lunch conversation.”

So we went to kvetch over burgers and it was so nice to just vent and let out all my issues and talk it over with a friend. It was like my brain was a jumbled puzzle of chaos, and talking it over with a buddy was how I was able to put the pieces together and make sense of things.

And he’s been in entertainment longer then me, so when he heard all I had to say I was so comforted to hear him say, “You know, I’ve gone in and out of other jobs before. Sometimes you just hit seasons where you have to do something extra to pay bills. And yeah, sometimes it feels like a step back but it really isn’t…Because the truth is, sometimes you can’t move forward with your dreams, unless you take that step back.”

And you know what? That made me feel a lot better. I think the only way i could fail at being a comedian is if I just decided here and now it’s not worth it, and gave up entirely. That’s failing, and that’s not what I’m doing.

To keep going, I have to pivot and focus on a different priority as far as my own personal needs go. And for that to work out, I need to make more money (Unless anyone right now wants to Venmo a massive fortune to @drewdaviscomedy)

So folks who are die hard followers of what I am doing let me make sure I am clear…I am still going to be performing, booking shows, and producing shows.

I’m probably going to be doing less social media reels and stuff because it’s literally the bane of my existence on most days. I know “I have to grow my following” but honestly…I find it gross right now. But, it’s fine! I have plenty of content up already and you can find more on youtube.

We’re still rocking The Quarter Mile Podcast and are still in discussion for season 2. But we WILL be finishing the “ride” with Fast and Furious!

The Clean Comedy Collective is still killing it and going strong. And honestly are made up of some of my favorite human beings right now.

I will still teach comedy lessons and do comedy consultation…and I’m still going forward with this site, Quarter Mile Entertainment.

I am also going to be hustling out here to get a preferably remote job, or something that pays the bills a lot more so I can move to a better space for myself (and my family too…I am sure they won’t mind when I move!) I think when I don’t have the stress of pinching every penny, I’ll be in a more stable place emotionally which will lead to more creativity and better everything.

Even though this FEELS like a step back, I know in my heart it’s not…it’s called being a functioning human, and realizing all facets of the needs we have.

If anyone is struggling with the same or a similar issue, I encourage you to ask yourself, “What is it I really need right now?” Maybe, like me, what you need to fix that is to shift your priorities…and as a result, you’ll be closer to meeting your true goal!

I hope this helped you…at the very least it helped me to type it all out! Comment or whatever below, if you want. Or don’t, I need to stop caring about what you all think all the time. Have a great night!